Reverend Bondi Cigars is a Touch Too Much for Sister Mary

 Sister Mary Kolams [The Scammer]

 Reverend Bondi Cigars [A pastor from Boston]

 Mr Freddy Taylor [A shifty diplomat from Accra]

 Professor Rupert J Felcher III [Special guest appearance]

 Additional comments by me [not my real photo !]

 

 

[Origin of the term 'Bondi Cigar': ".....A few years ago Bondi Beach had a terrible problem with 'effluence' floating in the water and washing up on the sand because of a faulty sewerage system in Sydney. These raw deposits were named various things including 'blind mullets' and 'Bondi Cigars'. Contact with one of these 'cigars' was invariably an unpleasant experience and could leave the victim in a state of shock. Bondi Cigars were known to target unsuspecting interstate and international tourists....."]

 

 

For this scambait, the Reverend Father Bondi Cigars takes a break from his regular duties (whatever the hell they might be) and steps up to the plate for the first time as a solo act. The scammer, Mary Kolams, much to her misfortune, dropped into his (my) clutches via the latest 419eater shuttle. That turned out to be one rocket-fuelled ride to disaster for her as we shall see…….

 

 

 

 

From: marykolams@cresce.net

To: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.fcom

Sent: 19-09-06

Subject: Let's arrange face-to-face meeting urgently 

Dear friend,

THIS TRANSACTION DEMANDS ABSOLUTE HONESTY.

I am Miss. MARY KOLAMS, the daughter of DR.S.I.KOLAMS, who was assassinated by the rebel juntas of my country Liberia. My late father, until his death was the personal assistance on monetary and financial matters to the president MR.CHARLES TAYLOR.He was assassinated by the rebels for not compromising to their demands. While he was alive, he used his position to secretly and concretely moved the sum of $45M.USD (Forty five million Dollars) out of my country to a safe depository firm in a safe and peaceful country where he lodged in the consignment that contains the fund to the safe depository without the real contents of the consignment revealed to the company, this he did for security reasons.

Nobody knows about this fund, not even the president. My family are now in peaceful country where they are taking asylum with the president Charles Taylor because our lives were at risk in our country Liberia, we believed that the rebels that killed my late father might still come after us, that is our reason of joining the president to asylum.I therefore want to know if you can secure this fund in your country? If you are in the best position to handle this transaction, I therefore suggest that you kindly re-confirm to me the followings:

1. Your full name.

2. Your mobile telephone number.

3. Your full contact address.

4. Your Profession, age and marital status.

As soon as this above information is received, I shall commence processes with the safe depository where the consignments that contains the fund is deposited for immediate lifting of the consignment to you to your designated address via a specially arranged courier services means. But this will be after our face-to-face meeting. I want you to also undersand that my inexperience in capital investment and fund management prompted me to contact you for this transaction. I also want you to understand that this transaction should be treated as a matter of urgency because our asylum here is been threatening because Charles Taylor is facing the world crime tribunal now.

It is to our interest to conclude our transaction before any drastic decision is taking against Charles Taylor or else we will be stranded. Remember also that this transaction should be handled with utmost secrecy and confidentiality for our own security and safety. Please send your reply to this address :  marykolams@indiatimes.com

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams. 

 

 

[Pffft. What a crock of shit. Even so, The Reverend Father Bondi Cigars, a man possessed of monumental powers of empathy and compassion, simply cannot resist reaching out to Sister Mary in her time of need…….Reaching out like a praying mantis reaching out to grab its next victim that is…….]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@indiatimes.com
Sent: 20-09-06
Subject: GREETINGS IN JESUS NAME !!!

Calvary Greetings Miss Mary,

I am the Reverend Bondi Cigars. I am pastor of the Church of Progressive Entomology here in Boston. Our church has helped many people in similarly tragic circumstances and perhaps I can assist you. Please contact me again and I will furnish you with instructions on how to proceed in order to receive my assistance.

Regards,

Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[Mary replies from a new email addy…….]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 20-09-06

Subject: study this Agreement/Bond of this transaction

 

Dear Reverend Father Bondi Cigars,

 

How are you today?

 

I am glad to receive your response and hereby forward to you an agreement/bond binding us in this transaction. If it is acceptable and ok by you, then advise so that we can proceed in this transaction.

 

[And here we have one typically trashy scammer document. This one wasn’t even an attachment. It was just cut and pasted into the body of the email, in fluorescent pink Comic Sans font, riddled with mistakes and gibberish.]

 

THIS AGREEMENT is made on the............day.........of..........2006.
 
BETWEEN MISS.MARY KOLAMS, ( hereinafter reffered to as the ''INVESTOR'',which ___expression shall where the content so admits,include his legal representatives, assigns,heirs and executors ) of the ONE PART; AND YOU………………………………………………….
of............................................................................................................................................................................................
hereinafter reffered to as the 'AGENT'', which ____expression
where the content so admits, include his legal representatives,  assigns, heirs and executors ) of the OTHER PART;
 
WHEREAS
----------------
The ''INVESTOR'' has agreed with the ''AGENT'' that the "INVESTOR" will invest her funds, into any lucrative business ventures and the "AGENT", has agreed to be the representative/agent on behalf of the "INVESTOR", in the purchase, administration and management of the business.

 

NOW THIS AGREEMENT WITNESSETH AS FOLLOWS:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That in consideration of the sum of
...................................................................................................................................
,investment capital by the ''investor'' in a joint business venture with the'' agent'', mentioned herein above, and to observe the following agreements reached by the ''investor'' and the ''agent''.
 
1. That the '' investor'' will provide an investment sum of.....................................for the joint business venture.
 
2.That  the ''investor'' will be entitled to a monthly report of the management and administration of the investment to be purchased with his investment capital, by the "agent"
 
3.That the ''agent'' will discharge the maximum level of diligence, honesty, professionalism and seriousness expected of him in the running of the affairs of this joint business venture.
 
4.That the "agent" will be solely in-charge for the purchase, administration, management and maintenance of the business /investment entered.
 
That Miss.Mary Kolams has issued an irrevocable power of attorney to YOU to handle on her behalf the investment/management of the sum of forty five millon American dollars(US$ 45 000 000.-) belonging to Miss.Mary Kolams. That YOU should discount, operate and run the said fund and investing same in lucrative business that is profitable to both parties

5.That  either parties to this agreement, reserves the right to terminate the business joint venture, but such a termination must be with a written notice to be served on the other party at least,(90 days),ninety days before such a termination takes place.
 
6.That the "investor and the "agent" have agreed to this joint business venture, for the sole purpose of being major players in business/investment business for the ultimate aim of making profits.
 
7.That the ''investor'' and the "agent" will bear the initial costs that will be incurred in the establishment of this joint business venture, by way of costs of air travels, hotel bills, solicitors fees, agreement fees etc.
 
8. Whereas under this agreement thirty percent(30%) net profit is to be received by YOU while seventy percent(70% will be received by Miss.Mary Kolams annually from any investment made for a period of ten(10)years.
 
9. . Whereas this bond holds that both parties are to remain faithful, trustworthy, honest and dedicated to each other during and after the transfer, investment and management of the fund has been concluded.

10. . Whereas the business in question shall remain secret and confidential to both parties as the true identity, origin and source of
the fund shall never be mentioned to a third party for security reasons.
 
18. YOU shall be obligated to meet face to face with Miss.Mary Kolams here in Dubai,United Arab Emirates to see, witness, authorised and authenticate the genuineness and certainty of the entire project/transaction in focus for familiarity purpose, mutual trust, understanding and confirmation of their persons as regards to the business transaction.
 
PROVIDED  ALWAYS that no terms or conditions shall be impaled into this agreement, except those expressly contained herein.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF THE ''INVESTOR'' AND ''THE'' AGENT'' hereunto have appended their signatures, the day, month and year first above written.
 
INVESTOR                                                         AGENT
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME.....................................                         
NAME...........................             
SIGN............................                                  
SIGN........................... DATE..................................                            
DATE..........................
                                 SEAL OR STAMP

 

 

 

[Father Bondi Cigars nearly has a stroke trying to keep track of that load of horseshit. He elects to ignore it completely and instead go for the throat right away…….]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 21-09-06
Subject: GREETINGS ONCE AGAIN IN JESUS NAME !!!

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

Thanks for the mail sister. I have studied the agreement. An outstanding document. I have sent it off to be analysed and completed by the church’s document processing committee. I am sure my church would be willing to assist you, however there are some small security modalities that would have to be addressed first. Please contact me again at the earliest possible opportunity for further instructions.

Regards
Father Bondi

 

 

 

[As you can see, Father Bondi is a bit of a control freak, and there’s no way he’s going to let Mary get the upper hand in these exchanges even for one minute.]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 22-09-06

Subject: Meeting in Dubai

 

Dear Father Bondi,

 

You are truely and honestly a father to me as far as life is concerned since I do not have an earthly father again, you now stands as my earthly father now.

 

I am most glad to receive your response and acceptance to abide by the agreement/bond of this transaction and your assurance to assist me truely and honestly in this transaction.

 

You mentioned in your mail that 'there are some small security modalities that would have to be addressed first' please could you explain what you mean and how that would be addressed first.

 

Otherwise, I advise we proceed immediately in this transaction without any further delay. I advise for your urgent arrangement for the face-to-face meeting in Dubai and also to proceed in this transaction immediately.
I suggest we have this meeting in Dubai, United Arab Emirate.
This is because the delivery firm that will move the consignments that contains the fund from where the consignments are deposited now can bring it to Dubai where they have a representative/affiliate office, this means that we will proceed immediately in moving the fund to your country after our face-to-face meeting in Dubai for onward investment of the fund in your country.

 

Also, I want you to understand that the immigration officer here who is arranging this country's international passport to enable me travel out of this country only promised to secure Dubai entry visa for me without me appearing in the embassy because of this country's international passport that I will be travelling with, you know our passports were collected from us upon our arrival here in this country as asylum seekers.

 

Please also furnish me with your direct telephone number and full contact address to enable me commence the processes involved in the lifting of the consignments that contains the fund to Dubai.

 

I await your urgent response.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 23-09-06
Subject: Security modalities…

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

I trust this mail finds you in the very best of superlative good health. I think Dubai sounds like a good place to meet. I have been to several African countries in my role as a pastor assisting various people and charities, but I have never been to UAE. I will be pleased to meet you there for discussions. You must tell me exactly when you intend to travel there.

The security modality is required for me to obtain money from the church's emergency bank account for things like travel expenses, and other expenses that may be incurred in the course of business. What I require is a picture of you. But not just any picture. Oh no! The picture must show you holding a large sign with a customized greeting message written on the sign. The message should read:

"CALVARY GREETINGS REVEREND BONDI CIGARS"

Take a photograph of yourself holding the sign and then send the picture to me as an email attachment. The photograph needs to be large and clear, and the message easily readable. This is a standard identification procedure we use when dealing with people in other countries. Please do not send small, blurred or faked images. Believe me, I will know if you have tried to cheat me because God is on my side.

 

As soon as I have the picture we will be ready to proceed rapidly with our business. I will make my own travel arrangements when I have secured the money from the church account. Please advise me of your own travel plans as soon as possible.

Regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 24-09-06

Subject: Isn’t funny?

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

I just spoke with the immigration officer who is arranging our travelling documents after reading your mail and he said that the Dubai entry visa will be ready within 48 hours on demand. So, confirm your arrival schedule to me, to enable me also to confirm my schedule to meet up with your schedule.

 

I do not know how I would go to a photographer to take a snap of such you requested from me, is it not funny? I would send you one of my old pictures here with me. This is because I wouldn't want any person to start insuinating any thing about me considering my status here in this country. 

 

Already I have commence arrangements concerning lifting the consignments that contains the fund to Dubai so that the consignments will be available to us in Dubai immediately after our face-to-face meeting to enable us proceed immediately from there after our meeting.

 

I request again your direct telephone number.

 

Waiting your response.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

[Father Bondi senses Mary’s reluctance to comply and lays down the law…….]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 25-09-06
Subject: Security modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary,

Please take note of the following points and understand:

1. I need at least a week to make preparations to travel to another country.
2. I cannot obtain travel funding without the picture I requested.
3. I will not supply personal contact information about myself until you prove who you are and that you can be trusted by supplying the picture.
4. As soon as I have the picture I will be able to arrange travel to Dubai.
5. You must follow my instructions promptly and to the letter if we are to proceed quickly.

These points are absolutely non-negotiable.

 

Amen.


Kindest regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[And such a positive response…..If only all scammers caved in this easily.]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 26-09-06

Subject: OK

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

Actually I find it funny initially to do as you said but since you are serious about it and it will also help you to raise money for this transaction, I have no option other than to do as you said so that we can proceed in this transaction.

I will go out to find a photographer in town who will snap me and I will send it to you.

Since it will take you up to one week to arrange for your travel to Dubai, we also will start making arrangements to meet up with you in a weeks time.

I await your response.

Yours sister,
Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 28-09-06
Subject: Travel arrangements…

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

Thanks for the mail. Your co-operation is appreciated by all and sundry in this part of the world. I will now proceed to make an on-line booking with British Airways and pay for the ticket later. I will send you the flight details as soon as they are confirmed. In the meantime, I can send you a picture of myself if you would like. This may make it easier for you to recognize me at the airport. I await your next email with great anticipation.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 29-09-06

Subject: photo

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

Honestly, I will appreciate it if you send me your photo.

Meanwhile, I have made inquiry where to go and take the photo this evening.

 

I will update you later.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 30-09-06
Subject: Picture modality…..

ATTN: Sister Mary,

I have attached a picture of myself and my church for you. For your benefit I have also attached a page from the official church photo album. It shows several examples of the type of picture you should send to me. These pictures were sent to me by my friends from all over the world. You should study these pictures carefully. Note how the greeting message on the sign always reads "CALVARY GREETINGS REVEREND BONDI CIGARS". Do not deviate from this format under any circumstances.

You should also make a print of my photograph so you can take it with you to the airport in Dubai. This will help us to recognize each other since we have not met in person before.

Regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

The pics I sent.……

 

[Hell’s Bells !!! It’s Father Bon-di Cigars. LET THERE BE ROCK, err….better make that LIGHT !!!]

 

 

[Father Bondi’s church in Boston…..]

 

 

[And the page from Reverend Cigars’ photo album…..]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 01-10-06

Subject: U really look good

 

Dear Reverend Father Bondi Cigars,

 

You look real good, I love your picture so much, where did you take the picture, it should be in your office.
Sure I will print it out and come to Dubai with it. The church look nice too.

 

I can see you indeed have many good friends in your pics. You obviously a man of great experienced.

 

I have contacted a photographer today but he is not chanced to come to the house today to snap me but he said he will be coming tomorrow's evening to take the snap.

 

I will send it to you within the next 48 hours and also I will like you to print it out and come to Dubai with it.

 

Waiting your schedule.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 02-10-06
Subject: Pictures & other modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

Thanks for the reply. The picture I sent you is similar to the one I send to all my friends in Africa. The picture was taken in my office here in Boston by one of my dedicated assistants.

I will be waiting for your picture. I will make a print after I receive it. Remember to ensure that the greeting message on the sign is large enough for me to read it easily.

On what date do you intend to travel to Dubai? If you can advise me I will arrange my flight to arrive at a similar time.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 03-10-06

Subject: Schedule

 

Dear Reverend Cigar

 

Let us arrange to meet in Dubai by one week from next wednesday, how about that, is it ok by you?

 

You said the picture is similar to the ones you sent to all your friends in Africa, where and where have you been in Africa? and for what purposes?

 

I will be taking the picture this evening and I will send it to you immediately is ready.

 

Confirm if wednesday date is ok by you.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 04-10-06
Subject: Schedule modalities…..

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

Yes, Wednesday should be OK with me, provided a suitable flight is available and I can finalize all other arrangements. I would say Wednesday then, possibly Friday at the latest.

To answer your other question, I have many friends in Africa. I am pastor of a church which has assisted many people and charities in African countries. We have made donations of clothing, medicines and money. I have travelled to Africa twice. I have personally visited Bujuburum refugee camp in Accra, Ghana. The pictures serve two purposes. I always exchange pictures with the people I help so we can see each other, and so they can easily recognize me when I travel to Africa. And the pictures establish trust also. This is why I always send my picture whenever I ask for one in return. Since you told me your late husband was a pastor I thought you might be aware of the kind of work we do. The church here collects donations from wealthy American people and redistributes this money to less fortunate people in other countries.

 

For your benefit, I have attached a couple of pictures taken on my last visit to Africa. The first picture shows me conducting a sermon at Bujuburum refugee camp in Accra, where I had just donated to the camp part of a shipment of gold bars that had been recovered from pirates during my recent travels in the Caribbean. And the second shows me lurking in an indeterminate area of wasteland on the outskirts of Accra where I went to bury a large quantity of gold which I will recover on my next visit to Accra.


Pleased to hear your picture is almost ready. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

The pics I sent were stolen, or perhaps borrowed, from Bondi Cigars’ dodgy website…….

 

[Bondi Cigars spreading the word and the gold at Bujuburum refugee camp. The Bon Scott picture was sliced from the old AC/DC video of ‘Let There be Rock’.]

 

 

[Background pic was originally posted by a member at 419eater, and once again Bon Scott has been chopped in. It’s obviously the same photo as used in the pic of Father Bondi in his office. Wonder if she’ll notice? And I don’t know about buried treasure, but those look like gold tops just behind Father Bondi there.]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 05-10-06

Subject: Schedule

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

It was good to receive your mail. Your pics is good. Are you saying that you have gold buried in Accra?

I suggest we fix the meeting in Dubai by friday so as to give us much time to arrange ourselves very properly.

 

I will be taking the picture this evening.
Meanwhile, it is not my husband that die, it is my father who was assassinated and not my husband.

 

[Whoops !!! Bondi Cigars should go back and read the original scam letter again before he makes a fool of himself and blows the whole deal !!!]

 

I'll get back to you.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 06-10-06
Subject: Schedule modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

OK, thanks for the mail. I should be able to send you a copy of my flight schedule tomorrow. There is a flight available that will take me to Dubai on Friday 3rd November. I am just waiting for confirmation of the on-line booking.

I will be expecting your picture this evening then.

Which country was your father a pastor in? And which church? As I told you, I have traveled in other countries and may have heard of it. Perhaps my church could organise a donation to help the people, as no doubt your late father was doing. Advise me on this so I can arrange to access extra funds before I leave.

Regards
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 07-10-06

Subject: Flight schedule

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

I am very glad to receive your mail and I also await your flight confirmation.

 

I have taking the photography but the photographer said he will bring it by tomorrow evening, I shall send it to you immediately he brings it.

 

I want to inform you that I have also commence the processes involved for the lifting of the consignments that contains the fund to Dubai so that the consignments that contains the funds will be made available to us in Dubai immediately after our face-to-face meeting.

 

Rev. Bondi Cigars, you seems not to have understood my position. I am the daughter of Dr.S.I. Kolams, who was until his death the personal assistance on fanancial and monetary matters to my former president but was assassinated by the rebel juntas of my country during the political clash in my country for not compromising to their demands.

While he was alive, he used his position to move the sum of $45M.USD (FORTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS) to a safe and peaceful country where he lodged this consignments that contains this fund into a safe depository for safe keeping without revealing the real contents of the consignments to the safe depository firm for security reasons.

 

[Yeah. Really should have had another look at the original scam letter. It’s her father, not her husband who was bumped off. And he wasn’t a pastor but the president’s assistant. Fortunately Mary seems to be fairly tolerant of Father Bondi’s confusion.]

 

Now, I want you to help me move this funds out of here in Africa to States where this funds will be secured for onward investment and proper management. Also, I will map a hugh amount of the funds to help and assist the helpless ones all over the world.

 

Now, I have commence moves with the delivery agency who is going to lift the consignment from Africa to Dubai by nex week so that the consignment will be available to us in Dubai during our face-to-face meeting for easy proceedings in the transaction after our meeting.

 

I hope you understand my point and position.

 

I am waiting to receive your flight confirmation.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 09-10-06
Subject: Travel modalities…..

Calvary Greetings Once Again Sister Mary !!!

Got your mail thanks. I will be waiting. I will send the flight schedule as soon as I have the picture. Which country are the funds in now? There should not be any problem moving the funds from Dubai to America, once they have arrived in Dubai, because the authorities are aware that pastors often travel with large amounts of money or valuables in order to provide assistance for refugees and other persons who need help.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 10-10-06

Subject: flight schedule

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

Please pardon me for having not responded to your mail earlier than now, it is because I was waiting for the photographer to bring the picture. He actually brought the picture yesterday but I do not like the picture because it was not very clear, it has a dark backgroung so I rejected it and asked him to snap me another one which he promised that he will bring it today but until this point he has not showned up yet but I am hoping he will come any moment from now.

 

Please make sure you confirm your flight as schedule because we have also concluded on our side for that date.

I will send you the picture soonest I receive it.

 

I await hearing from you urgently.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. MARY KOLAMS.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 13-10-06
Subject: Picture modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams

Got your mail thanks. Glad to know everything is OK. You did the right thing rejecting a poor quality picture. A high quality picture is important. Better to wait an extra day than accept a lower standard. I will proceed with confirming the flight then. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards
Rev. Bondi Cigars.

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 14-10-06

Subject: the situation

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

This photographer brought the picture today but it's still the same very dark background. Though he made me to understand that the problem is not actually from him but because he was taking the picture inside my room that is dark where there is no light to broghten the picture, for this reason, I have decided to go to his studio by tomorrow morning to take the picture as he advised me.

I have concluded with the delivery agency that will be making the consignments that contains the fund available to us in Dubai during our face-to-face meeting in Dubai. The total charge they have given us to lift the consignments to Dubai from here in Africa via the diplomat means is $18,800 but right now we can only afford to give them only $12,000. The remaining balance to be balanced to them in Dubai when the consignment is succesfully lifted to Dubai.

Please I want to use this medium to ask for your assistance to come with this remaining balance of $6800 that will be given to the delivery agency in Dubai before they will release the consignments to us.

I await your urgent response.

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 15-10-06
Subject: Picture modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

Certainly I don't have any problem coming to Dubai or helping out with expenses. After we secure the funds I intend to travel to Africa rather than return home. However as I stated in a previous email, in order to justify the expense with the church I need to have the picture. Perhaps if you send me one of the bad pictures I can tell you what the problem is and how to correct it. I must say the photographer sounds rather incompetent. I have never heard of a photographer who could not take a decent indoor picture after 2 attempts. Perhaps you should try a different photographer.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 16-10-06

Subject: picture ready by tomorrow

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

I am proceeding to the studio of the photographer to take a snap, definitely the picture will be ready by tomorrow morning and I will send it to you immediately. I have attach one of the bad picture from before so you can see the problem for yourself. The picture I am sending tomorrow will certainly be better.

What will you be coming to Africa to do after the fund is secured in Dubai?

I am glad that every arrangement is settled for friday.

Waiting hearing from you.

Yours sister,
Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

[This is the photo Mary apparently wasn’t happy with. Scammers are certainly becoming more discerning aren’t they. I thought it was my role to reject crappy pictures. Actually, I would have accepted this one, but of course I didn’t tell her that. She might as well pay for another one and waste a bit more time. Hmm. She’s a bit on the scrawny side, but she’s not the worst looking ladette I’ve seen. And I’ve seen some real horrors, Veronica Karim and Sylvia Sabata come to mind.]

 

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 17-10-06
Subject: Picture modalities…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

I think it is a wise move going to the studio. That last picture you sent certainly was a piece of shit. But if a photographer cannot take a proper photograph in his own studio then surely there is something seriously wrong with him. And you should also write the greeting message on the sign in your own hand writing. It is intended to be a personal message, not a computer print.

I have decided that since I will be in Dubai, it is not that much further to Africa and I can distribute some of the funds to the less fortunate people in some of the poorer countries. I told you before that I have done this before. It is part of the work that our church does.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 18-10-06

Subject: my picture

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

How are you today?


I have successfully snaped a bright picture. I hereby send it to you.


Please confirm your arrival time to Dubai. Also, how are we going to meet in Dubai? I advise you check into a hotel in Dubai upon your arrival and send to me via email your hotel details so that when we arrive, I will access my mail right in the airport and get your hotel details and proceed to there to meet with you.

 

I await your urgent response and also your direct telephone number.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

[Her latest pic. Guess I can live with that. But if that’s been done by a professional photographer, he/she must be in the bottom three in the world in that trade. A white shirt, a white sign, on a white background? Spare me!!!]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 20-10-06
Subject: Picture modalities…..

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

Thanks for the mail. I got the pictures. You have done well, and that picture will go straight into my collection. Apologies for doubting the photographer’s skill. He is obviously a master.

I will now go ahead and pay British Airways for my flight and I will send you the details this evening. I will also start making enquiries about hotel accomodation.

Regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 21-10-06

Subject: my picture

 

Dear Reverend Cigar,

 

Thankyou for your response.

 

Please make sure you confirm your flight schedule immediately.

 

I am waiting to hear from you urgently.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. MARY KOLAMS.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 23-10-06
Subject: Travel plans…..

Calvary Greetings again Sister Mary,

I have attached a copy of my flight details from British Airways. As you can see I will arrive in Dubai on Friday 17th of November at around 8.30am. This is two weeks later than originally planned because I will need a little extra time to arrange things here, and I've never been to UAE before so I want to find out something about the place first. Have you been there before? Perhaps you can advise me about good hotels? When do you yourself expect to arrive in Dubai?

I will send you my accommodation details once I have them finalized, although I may decide to meet you at the airport depending on which of us arrives there first.

And regarding the picture you sent, if you can send me a copy of the receipt from the photographer the church will pay you for any costs involved. We always insist that international contacts supply a security picture but of course we do not expect them to pay out of their own pocket. So just send me a scan of the receipt and I will get the money to you via MoneyGram.

Regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[Confirmation of Father Bondi Cigars’ flight to Dubai…..]

 

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 24-10-06

Subject: travel plans

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

Already the consignment that contains the fund has successfully arrived Dubai this morning. Please provide me with your direct telephone number because the diplomat in Dubai wants to talk with you.

 

Actually I have not been in Dubai before, it is the immigration officer who is arranging everything about this trip for us but I think you can get hotel details in Dubai via the internet.

 

We will be confirming our tickets to arrive Dubai that same day you will be arriving but I will give you time of arrival when it is confirmed but meanwhile, when you conclude with the hotel arrangement, send me the details so that we will proceed to your hotel directly upon our arrival.

 

Regarding the fee of the photographer, it is only a token and I have taking care of that, so there is no need for sending money to me for that because it is only a token fee.

 

Also, what do you mean by ''Church of Progressive Entomology'' what kind of church is this? could I know more about your church, maybe you send me your church website.

 

I await your direct telephone number and hotel details.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

[Bondi Cigars takes the opportunity to ignore the request for a phone number while going on a rant about the church. Well Mary did ask if she could “know more” about it…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 25-10-06
Subject: The Church of Progressive Entomology…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

 

I am so glad you asked me about the church in your last mail. We are a small church located in Boston USA. We are an obscure but powerful division of the Christian church whose main objective is the redistribution of financial resources from wealthy people, particularly here in America, to less priveleged people elsewhere in the world. I am afraid we do not have a website because we don't wish to waste our own valuable resources on purchasing webspace and paying someone to maintain it. We prefer to use the money to help people who need it. Our church doctrines place great importance on the significance of lower life forms in the overall scheme of God's universe. Entomology of course refers to the study of insects, and the insect world is reflected in our symbolism. I have attached some images of symbols of special significance. In order of appearance we have the Earwig, the Dung Beetle and the Giant Cockroach. If you would like to learn more about our church, and help us to assist people in other countries, perhaps you would like to join the church. It is not a complicated induction process. You would learn about the special significance of the individual insect symbols, complete some paperwork, then participate in an induction ceremony. Nothing to it really. Remember, as a full member you would be receiving large sums of money and distributing them on behalf of the church. Get back to me with your thoughts on this.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[The images I sent. What can I say. Some random junk grabbed from the net…..]

 

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 26-10-06

Subject: your direct phone number

 

Dear Rev.Bondi Cigars,

 

Thanks for your explanation of the church. I like the pictures and I will think about what you have said. [Ahhh, such enthusiasm !]

 

I asked you to provide me with your direct telephone number because the diplomat in Dubai wants to talk with you, I told you that the diplomat who lifted the consignment that contains the fund to Dubai arrives Dubai since saturday morning and since then, he has been longing to contact you by phone, please furnish me with your direct telephone number so that he will speak with you.

 

I await your urgent response.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 27-10-06
Subject: My telephone…..

ATTN: Sister Mary Kolams,

In reply to your last mail, my telephone number here in Boston is +1 2063097465. If I am unavailable you should have the diplomat leave a message so I will know he called. You should also give him my email address so we can communicate via email. When I am away from the office I use my laptop computer for all communications as it is more versatile, and much less expensive, than a mobile phone. I will be away from my office all afternoon today as I am conducting a church service known as The Locust Ceremony here in Boston.

I will send you a copy of my hotel reservation in Dubai this evening. They are about to send me an email confirming the reservation today. I will be in Dubai for 5 days before travelling to Africa.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[At this point I received a phone message on one of my K7 accounts from the supposed diplomat Mr Freddy Taylor. He has trouble with Father Bondi’s name, and pronounces it something like “Bondy See-Gass”. There’s nothing special about the message but I always get a laugh out of hearing these scumbags waffling on in all seriousness and me knowing they’re just wasting their time and money. Well, here it is anyway…..]

 

 

 

[And then the same day Diplomat Freddy sends Reverend Cigars an email, warning him of the ever-increasing “demurrage charges”, and to bring plenty of money with him…..]

 

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 29-10-2006

Subject: from mr fredrick taylor

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co,LTD Accra-Ghana
[Sweet Jesus, what a pompous asshole. I’ll be calling him plain old “Freddy”.]
Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

Be informed your consignment have arrived Dubai. You are kindly advised to let me know your exact date of arrival for the collection of the Consignment.

Note: do not fail to come along with the clearance/handling fee of the Consignment US$6,800.00 to pay off the delivery Charges.

Please note again your consignment have accumulated  an extra day  Demurrage charges  US$300.00 per day which started  on the last Sunday week.

Should you want to call me for more information I can be reached directly on Telephone: +971-50-2911821

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards.
Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

 

 

[And I suspect because Father Bondi ignored his first phone message and the email, Diplomat Freddy Taylor calls again just to be a pain in the arse…..]

 

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 30-10-06
Subject: Dubai hotel reservation…..

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

I have finalized my accommodation arrangements for my stay in Dubai. I have attached a copy of my hotel reservation. I don't know anything about this hotel or precisely where it is located because I have never been to Dubai before. It's quite expensive so I trust it will be adequate.

It is now 1 week before I leave Boston. I suggest we use that time to discuss several important issues and to become more familiar with each other and the business that needs to be done.

Perhaps you can tell me exactly who this diplomat is? What is his name and what country does he come from? I am still waiting for him to contact me. Can he be completely trusted? Please get back to me quickly so we can discuss these issues.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[Here’s Bondi Cigars’ Hotel reservation. Five nights at $1700.00 per night !!! The good father is certainly a man of expensive tastes. Besides, there’s nothing like making a good impression on the scammers. It’s sort of a semi-kosher document, from the hotel's website, but with the “Special conditions apply” and a couple of other bits added. The idea of the special conditions was that if the scammers smelled a rat because of the exorbitant cost of the room I could tell them the code SRD1 stood for “Special Religious Discount, level 1”, whereby as a man of God I only had to pay 10% of the ticket.]

 

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 31-10-06

Subject: Dubai hotel reservation

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

I am glad to receive your mail.

 

[Really? These are some seriously dumb scammers. Have they not thought it just a tad suss how a humble padre, from a semi-derelict church (see earlier picture), can afford to spend $3,000+ on airfares, $1,700 a night for a suite in the Dubai Ritz, and then fork out several thousand more for fees and charges on the consignment? Fucking hell !!!]

 

Actually I do not know this diplomat in person but their organisation is very reputable, therefore there is nothing to fear about this particular diplomat that is in charge of our consignment.

We should trust the diplomat based on the fact that they have successfully lifted the consignment safely to Dubai as they assured before lifting the consignment.

But remember that the delievery agency and even the diplomat does not know that the content of the consignment is cash, so please do not let them know that the contents of the consignment is cash. The real contents of the consignment is known to only both of us and we should keep it to ourselves alone.

 

My happiness is that the consignment has successfully arrived Dubai and is very much secured.

 

I am looking forward to our meeting.

 

Yours sister,

Mary.

 

 

 

[Naturally, being security-conscious and a little paranoid, Reverend Cigars demands that Freddy send some kind of I.D. first…..]

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 01-11-06
Subject: Security modalities…..

Calvary Greetings Mr Freddy Taylor !

Thanks for the mail brother. I am the Reverend Bondi Cigars. Apologies that I missed your phone call, but as I explained to Miss Mary, email is the best way to contact me as this is a very busy time of year, and with the trip to Dubai to organize I am so rarely in my office. I have my laptop computer with me at all times so email is the preferred method for you to contact me.

I have understood the content of your mail. For me to acquire the money you refer to, we will need some kind of security clearance. You must furnish me with a scan of your diplomatic ID card before I leave for Dubai. The scan needs to be large and clear so I can easily read the details on the card. The card also needs to show a photograph of you. If the card does not have a photograph you must attach one. This is for a routine security check. I will be leaving Boston on 15 November and arriving in Dubai on 17 November. As soon as I have the ID I will send you a picture of myself.

Hope to hear from you soon with more details about the consignment.

Regards
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[And now it’s Mary’s turn to receive a reassuring message from Father Bondi…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 01-11-06
Subject: We are progressing well…..

Calvary Greetings Miss Mary,

It is absolutely sensational news that the consignment has arrived successfully in Dubai.

I have communicated with the diplomat by email and advised him of my arrival date. Just to be on the safe side, I have insisted that he send me a copy of his ID card or passport. He is asking for large amounts of money, and as you yourself would be aware, both myself and the church insist on proper identification. I do not have a problem with the money but I need hard evidence that this diplomat can be trusted before handing over thousands of dollars. I must inform you I have known of diplomats in the past who were trusted with money. Because they can travel so freely they can steal the money and go to Brazil or some other country where they are beyond the law.

Anyway, I trust there will be no problem. If the diplomat is honest and is what he claims to be he will have no issue producing the ID or passport, and we will be able to proceed rapidly with the transaction. Hope to hear from you again soon.

Regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 02-11-06

Subject: please trust the diplomat

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

Please be rest assured that there is no problems at all with the diplomat, as I told you in my last mail, they are reputable and have no questionable character but all the same I like your defence, I know they are reliable therefore he should be able to furnish you with your request.

But please treat him with all care as you know that he has our consignment that he does not know the actual content, so that there will not be a kind of raise of eyebrow.

Yours sister,
Mary.

 

 

 

[And now Diplomat Freddy lobs with his shonky ID card…..]

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 03-11-2006

Subject: from mr fredrick taylor

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co,LTD Accra-Ghana

 

Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

As you requested please find attached below my company Identification Card.

Actually I am an diplomatic agent assisting various security Companies accross the globe as you can see our affiliate offices are in France & Canada and where I Permanently based.

 

[No shit eh? Reverend Cigars is suitably impressed……NOT !!!]

Could there be any more questions please feel free to enquire. I expect you to call me immediately you get this message.

Thanks and God bless you.
Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

[The ID card. No comment.]

 

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 03-11-06
Subject: Your ID card received…..

Calvary Greetings Mr Freddy and may the Lord be with you !

Thanks for the mail. I have received your ID card. That is acceptable to me.

Once again, I will arrive in Dubai on 17 November. Rest assured I will have the available funds to cover any costs relating to the consignment. Until then, enjoy your stay in Dubai.

The very best regards as always,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 04-11-2006

Subject: from mr fredrick taylor

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co,LTD Accra-Ghana

 

Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

 

I expected to receive your own identification in return just for the sake of familarity since I have sent mine to you.

Please let me have it to be able to identify your good self when you arrive.

Thanks and God bless you.

Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 04-11-06
Subject: Sending my ID…..

Calvary Greetings once again Mr Freddy !

 

As requested, I have attached a scan of my international passport.

 

Now I trust we have established a bond of trust that will enable us to proceed to a rapid and successful conclusion.

 

Regards,

Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

[Now of course, Father Bondi does have a passport......]

 

[Naturally however, he would never dream of sending it to scammers. What I sent was an animated GIF image containing the following frame.....]

 

WARNING: Here is a link to the passport GIF. It kind of looks as though there could be a passport in there somewhere but if you look at it too long you may start to feel a little unwell. [N.S.F.E. Not safe for epilepsy.]

 

>>> Father_Bondi's_Passport

 

 

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 04-11-2006

Subject: from mr fredrick taylor

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co,LTD Accra-Ghana

 

Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

 

Sir, the attached passport is not OK. Is it suppose to be a passport or some joke? As an identification it is useless but if you insist I suppose it will have to do.

 

I would like you to call me immediately on +971-502911821 so I can hear your voice.

 

Thanks and God Bless

 

Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 04-11-06
Subject: Sending my ID…..

Calvary Greetings Freddy !

 

I am afraid sir, I don't understand what your problem is with the passport. There must be something wrong with your computer if you can't see it properly. Id have it checked if I was you. Anyway, this time I have attached instead a picture of myself instead. I trust that will suffice. It shows me delivering a sermon at the recent Mosquito Festival here in Boston.

 

Regards

Father Bondi

[Father Bondi’s photo. Another one stolen from AC/DC’s “Let There Be Rock” video.]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 05-11-06
Subject: Please join us Sister !!!

ATTN: Miss Mary Kolams,

Have not heard from you for a while. What is happening? I have received a photo ID card from the diplomat so I guess he can be trusted.

Since there is still nearly a week until I arrive in Dubai, have you given any thought to joining the church? I may have time to send you some documents to read. The church always smiles favorably on those who show enthusiasm for the work of the Lord. What do you say sister Mary, will you join us? Awaiting your urgent response.

Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 06-11-06

Subject: send the documentation

 

Dear Reverend Cigar,

 

Sorry for my late response. I told you we have nothing to worry about concerning the diplomat because they are reputable, therefore should be trusted. Everything is in order and are under control.

 

My uncle and myself will be arriving Dubai 2 hours after your arrival time, this means that we will proceed to your hotel directly from the airport.

 

Please send to me the documents of the church for my perusal.

 

I await your urgent response.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 07-11-06
Subject: Please join us Sister !!!

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary Kolams,

Thanks for the mail. Hope you don't have any problem finding the hotel. I have never been there before myself so I am afraid I cannot help you with directions.

Pleased to see you are interested in learning more about the church. I have attached one of our documents. Completing this document is the first step in joining the church. We need to assess your general knowledge of insects. It is a very simple process and should only take a few minutes. Just follow the instructions on the form, and then return the completed form to me as an email attachment. Please send the completed form to me as soon as possible so I can facilitate commencement of the induction process before I leave for Dubai. I can then bring the rest of the documentation with me and give it to you personally.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[What sort of madness is this? Has Father Bondi lost his mind? Surely no scammer would be stupid enough to go for this…..]

 

 

 

 

[Freddy Shit-For-Brains emails me again in a pathetic attempt to get me to call him. It’s just not going to happen.]

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 08-11-2006

Subject: your picture received

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co, LTD Accra-Ghana

 

Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your picture. However, I request you call me directly: +971-502911821. Honestly I long to hear your voice as a reeverend father to confirm more about you.

Thanks and God bless you.
Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

 

[While having no intention of calling Freddy from his own phone, the ever-cautious Bondi Cigars decides to run a check on Freddy’s phone number. Turns out he is in UAE, probably Dubai, and has no doubt been there all along.] 

 

 

[An IP trace from one of his email headers confirms it…..]

 

 

[Using the RIPE database, the IP address circled above resolves to…..You guessed it !]

 

 

 

[And then just for the hell of it Father Bondi performs an IP trace on Mary’s last email. Probably should have done it earlier but things are starting to get more interesting now…..]

 

 

 

 

[Shit, what an unholy mess! Mary’s in Lagos, claiming to be from Liberia originally, and trying to convince me she’s leaving for Dubai in a few days. Freddy is claiming to be from Ghana and based in France, and is currently in Dubai. So how’s the scam work? I can’t really see the Lagos-based lad, “Mary”, travelling to Dubai. He/she is just a stooge. The heavy mob, of which Freddy is probably the main player, are in Dubai, waiting to pounce on the apparently unsuspecting Reverend Bondi Cigars when he arrives. At least that’s how I see it at this point. And now on with the show…….]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 08-11-06

Subject: the church documentation

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

I do not think that we will have any problems finding the hotel because it seems to be a big hotel, this means that the airport taxis should be able to know it and will bring us to the hotel.

In the attached church document, I only find 10 insects. [No shit, Mary. They’re numbered 1 – 10 on the form.]
I would want to study about insects first to avoid answering wrongly because I wouldn't want to fail the text.

I will update you soonest.

Yours sister,
Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 09-11-06
Subject: Please join us Sister !!!

ATTN: Miss Mary,

You are correct. There are only 10 insects on the document. You just need to match the names from the list above the pictures. It's very simple really. Nobody fails one of our tests. The actual answers are not that important. What is important to us is that you made an effort to do the test and are keen to learn. These are the kind of people the church is interested in. It also shows us which insects you have a greater affinity for. So you have nothing to worry about. Please complete the identification test and return it to me as soon as possible. This is very important. Then I will be able to select the right kinds of documentation to bring with me.

Regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 10-11-06

Subject: the insect test

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

Like I told you yesterday that I do not really know much about the insects names, for this reason, I have printed it out to give to someone who can help me do it because the only once I know from the list is only no.10 which is butterfly and no.5 which is grasshopper.

 

I can not fix the others correctly.

[You idiot !!! It’s supposed to be your own work !!! Holy shit, it couldn’t be a much easier test anyway.]

 

I will update you tomorrow as soon as I get it back from the person.

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

[And here I received another telephone message from Diplomat Freddy. It’s even less inspiring than his previous efforts, but he’s really starting to get the shits that he can’t talk to Father Bondi in person. One of these days I really must set up an anonymous and free method of calling or receiving calls from scammers. K7 is OK, but I think I’m missing out on half the fun by not being able to talk directly to the lads. Here’s the recorded message anyways…..]

 

 

 

[And then I send him an email just to chill his ass a little over the telephone business…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 11-11-06
Subject: Telephone lines severely damaged…..

ATTN: Mr Freddy Taylor,

Thanks for the mail Brother Freddy. I am unable to call you directly at present because of a serious fault with our telephone line. It seems rats have done considerable damage to the cabling at the local exchange. Did you know there are actually more rats than people in Boston? That's a hell of a lot of rats. Anyway, the problem has gotten out of hand over the years and the repair crew cannot commence work on repairs until the rats have been exterminated. They can be quite dangerous in large numbers. Rats that is. My wireless laptop computer is still working fine as of course it does not depend on cables to connect. It is with me at all times and I will be bringing it to Dubai with me so please restrict all communication to email until further notice. In any case I should be meeting you in person in just a few days. Perhaps then we can also discuss you joining the church.

Warmest regards as always my dear brother,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[Freddy’s not convinced…..WTF?.....Does he think a pastor would lie?]

 

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 12-11-2006

Subject: Mr Fredrick Taylor calling

 

From: Mr. Fredrick Taylor
Diplomatic Courier delivery Agent,
Royal Diplomatic Security Co, LTD Accra-Ghana
12th/11/2006

 

Attn: Reverend Father Bondi Cigars

Well I have read your mail but still doubtful as to how could it be that there seems to be no telephone connection in the whole of Boston.

Let’s say that LAN Telephone is not in Service what about mobile? Please try from which ever network to call me before you arrive.

Thanks and God bless you.
Mr. Fredrick Taylor

 

 

 

[He’s got it wrong of course. Time to chew his ass out…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 13-11-06
Subject: Communications modalities…..

ATTN: Fred Taylor,

You misunderstand me sir. In future you must read my emails more carefully and don’t jump to conclusions. What I said is that the local exchange was damaged, not the whole of Boston. There are of course telephones working elsewhere, but they are far away and they are not mine. Why the hell would I travel across town through heavy traffic, and risk getting robbed or hit by a bus, just to use a public telephone, when I have a wireless computer right here with me with which to communicate. And as I indicated before, I do not, and nave never owned such a diabolical item as a mobile phone. They are expensive and rarely work properly and the church does not approve of them because they interfere with the communication systems of insects. Now, pull yourself together man and let’s have no more of this nonsense. As advised, restrict all communications to email until further notice. I don't see the problem anyway. I will be in Dubai in a couple of days where we can discuss important matters directly.

Regards
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 14-11-06

Subject: the insect test

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

I have been trying your telephone line but it's always on permanent message, why? could you provide me with direct telephone number say mobile number. I wanted to enquire more about your church but could not get you line to speak with you.

 

Please call me on this telephone number immediately : +2348020953383, I need to discuss with you on phone first regarding your church details.

I await your urgent call.

Yours sister,
Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

[Where’s the bloody completed insect test? She’ll need reminding again. Anyway, that telephone number is further confirmation Mary’s currently in Lagos. Since Freddy is certainly in Dubai, The scammers would have to be communicating somehow. I’d love to see or hear some of their email and phone messages to each other regarding their assumed Maga, the good reverend Cigars.]

 

 

 

From: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 15-11-2006

Subject: Call me

 

Attn: Rev.Father Bondi.

Whatever excuses it sounds ridiculous. If you cannot make a phone call before your coming the journey is not rest-assured to yeild maximum result. I cannot agree to that please.

Thanks.
Fredrick Taylor.

 

 

 

[Freddy’s English language skills are starting to desert him as his frustration increases. Even so, he can’t speak to a pastor like that. Time to pull him into line.]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 15-11-06
Subject: Cut the crap…..

ATTN: Mr Freddy,

What in hell’s name are you talking about Brother Freddy, what’s this "rest assured to yield maximum result"? What blasted difference could a phone call possibly make? What could you say in a phone call that you can't say in an email. Your attitude is total nonsense.

 

May I remind you sir that you are just a courier in this transaction. The consignment belongs to Miss Mary and myself. In any case, I have already arrived in London. I shall continue on to Dubai first thing in the morning. I will expect to meet with Miss Mary on my arrival.

Kindest regards,
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[…..And time to reassure Mary that I will arrive in Dubai on time.]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 16-11-06
Subject: Ditch that diplomat…

ATTN: Miss Mary Kolams

I have arrived in London.  I will be staying here overnight and leaving for Dubai first thing in the morning. You have my flight schedule.

I am afraid this diplomat Mr Freddy is causing problems, as I knew he probably would. I think you should distance yourself from him to avoid further complications. He is being very rude to me in his emails and can't seem to understand the simplest of details. I suspect he will try to steal some of the consignment, if he hasn't already. Get rid of him. There can surely be little doubt that man is on a Highway to Hell. Meet me at the hotel in Dubai and we will conclude the business ourselves. Then I will travel to Ghana and recover the gold I left there last time.

 

And don’t forget to attach the completed Church Insect Test with your next email. As I explained previously, I must receive it in time for it to be processed before I leave Boston or I will have to delay my departure.

 

While I’m here in London I have met with some old friends and had some pictures taken. I have attached a couple for you.

 

Kindest regards as always
Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[Father Bondi in London. Hmm. His “friends” look rather like a bunch of typical yobbo tourists…..]

 

 

 

[And of course with the Bon Scott modality happening in this bait I had to slip this one in somewhere.....]

 

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 16-11-06

Subject: the insect test

 

Dear Rev. Bondi Cigars,

 

Thanks for the picture. You certainly knows many interesting people.

 

I have manage to finish the test and attached it. Hope it meets with the church approval.

 

We will be boarding the flight in less than 3 hours now, like I told you, my uncle and myself is coming. As we have already concluded, we will proceed to your hotel directly from the airport.

 

Please try to contact the diplomat on his phone from London immediately so that he can know that you are already on your way to Dubai so as to be very ready to receive us by tomorrow. Also, understand that we have to be very good and nice to the diplomat so that we will receive our consignment from him without any problem, as you know that he does not know the real contents of the consignment.

I await your update.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary Kolams.

 

 

[The Entomology Test. Nice try Mary, but I think you must have cheated, in which case I am afraid you have failed the test. It’s a pretty piss-poor effort in any case for such a simple test.]

 

 

 

 

And that, unfortunately, is where Father Bondi exits stage right. At least for now. After an all night drinking binge followed by a tragic discovery the next morning, Father Bondi Cigars has apparently departed this world in a bizarre parody of AC-DC front-man Bon Scott’s demise. This also provides me with the opportunity to introduce a special guest appearance by none other than Professor Rupert J Felcher III. (I told you he’d survive that zeppelin explosion). It seems he has now taken up a post at a rather well known Boston university, and also happens to be a major sponsor of the Church of Progressive Entomology, and a personal friend of Reverend Bondi Cigars. And so Professor Felcher contacts Mary with the bad news…….

 

 

 

From: rjfelcher@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 17-11-06
Subject: It’s worse than that, he’s dead Mary !!!

My Dear Miss Kolams,

 

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Rupert J Felcher the Third. I live and work in Boston and am a close friend of the Reverend Bondi Cigars. I am also a major financial contributor to the Church of Entomology here.

 

The reason I am contacting you is that I have some extremely bad news. It is with much regret that I have to inform you that Father Bondi has died under tragic circumstances while in London. We don’t have many details yet, but I have made a copy of an early newspaper report and attached it so you can read for yourself.

 

Please feel free to contact me if you require any further information. Of course, I am aware that the great Father Bondi was on his way to assist you in your time of need, so if I can be of any assistance to you do not hesitate to ask. We are not short of money.

 

My sincerest apologies under the circumstances. We have all lost a great friend.

 

Professor Rupert J Felcher III

Faculty of Theology & Entomology

Harvard University

Boston, MA

 

 

[The attached newspaper article. Fairly modest compared to the one announcing the zeppelin explosion at Heathrow in an earlier scambait. Hoping it will have the desired effect anyway, and throw the scammers completely off balance while I execute the next part of the plan. It might just as easily scare them off I suppose, but such is life…..]

 

 

 

 

[A reply !!! Promising…..]

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rjfelcher@fastmail.fm

Sent: 18-11-06

Subject: I don’t know you

 

Dear prof Rupert J Felcher

 

I have read your mail but I don’t know who you are or why you telling me this.

 

I cannot believe what you have said. Father Bondi is a respectful and religious man and I do not believe he would be doing thses things.

 

If you are trying to make trouble for me the rot of god will be your reward. Please do not tyr contact me again.

Miss Mary Kolams

 

 

 

[Mary’s not buying it. The original plan was for Professor Felcher to take over, but it looks like I’ll have to go to plan B….. Exit Rupert J Felcher, re-enter Reverend Bondi Cigars…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 20-11-06
Subject: I am in Accra now…..

ATTN: Miss Kolams,

This email may come as a surprise. This is Reverend Bondi Cigars. I am not dead. I have not been drinking, and I have not been frequenting London slums. Please disregard anything you may hear to the contrary. Especially anything from that liar Rupert Felcher. He's not even a real professor for God's sake.

 

I needed to make all my contacts in Boston think I was dead so they would not come after me for the money, so I faked my own death in London. Then I escaped to Accra. I have attached an example of a threatening email I received from this “Professor” Felcher. He’s obviously been lying to you because I am still alive. Have a look at the picture he sent me of himself. He’s obviously a dangerous psychopath. Please do not attempt to communicate with him.


At this stage only you and one of my trusted friends in London who helped me escape know I am still alive. Please do not tell that diplomat Freddy Taylor I am here. We seriously need to get rid of him. I have access to a large amount of gold here in Accra which I am going to exchange for cash. I have attached a picture of me relaxing on Accra Beach, which the locals have temporarily renamed Bondi Beach in gratitude for my generosity.

I will not be returning to Boston. I have finished with the church of Entomology. The money will be safe enough in Dubai until we can make alternative arrangements, but first I need to sell the gold and get the money out of Ghana. Please contact me soon as I will be depending on your assistance.

 

Do not be disturbed by recent events. Trust me Mary, things are looking good. Soon I will have the money from the gold, more money from a large insurance policy on my life, and there’s the money waiting in Dubai. We are going to be rolling in it!

 

Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

[Picture of the real Accra Beach with Bon Scott a.k.a. Reverend Bondi Cigars superimposed.]

 

 

 

[And the fake email supposedly sent by Professor Felcher…..]

 

From: rjfelcher@fastmail.fm

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 19-11-06

Subject: HANDS OFF THE MONEY PADRE !!!

 

You goddamned son-of-a-bitch Cigars, you won’t get away with this. We know about Dubai and the money. And we know about your plans to escape to Africa with the money. Your services are no longer required. I have taken control of the church, and I am now on my way to Dubai with a posse. We will be collecting the money and you better make sure we don’t find you there or I will personally cut your heart out and eat it. Forget about the loot. And forget about Mary Kolams too. She thinks you are dead, and if you try to fuck with us in any way you will be. Look at the picture of me I have attached and you will be in no doubt that I mean business.

 

Sincerely,

 

Professor Rupert J Felcher III

Faculty of Theology & Entomology

Harvard University

Boston, MA

 

[Charming language & threats of violence from an esteemed professor. But of course it’s only a fake. And here’s the picture supposedly attached to the alleged email, included for Mary’s benefit…..]

 

 

 

 

[Mary’s still in Lagos of course. She and her imaginary uncle never had any intention of travelling to Dubai.]

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 22-11-06

Subject: what is going on?

 

Dear Rev. Cigar

 

Who exactly is Rupert Felcher and why are you now in Ghana?

 

You should now be in Dubai as arrange.

 

The diplomat has advise me he was very upset that you could not contact him from London. Please understand that the successful recovery of our consignment depends on you contacting him at the earliest opportunity.

 

Be advise that you need to contact the diplomat immediately and confirm your new arrival date in Dubai. Please also send me your new travel schedule.

 

I and my uncle will meet you in Dubai at the airport and then we can go to collect the consignment from Mr Taylor.

 

Father Bondi, please let there be no more delay as we now needs to conclude this business quickly.

 

Yours sister,

Miss. Mary.

 

 

 

[Well, looks as though Mary’s still in the game but I suspect she’s received a good boot up the arse from Freddy, and won’t tolerate too much more nonsense. Nevertheless, Bondi Cigars is not going to be dictated to by scammers and insists that they do things his way…….]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 23-11-06
Subject: Change of plans…

Calvary Greetings Sister Mary,

 

Thanks for the mail, but I must emphasize once again that a change of plans has become necessary. As I stated in my last email, I will be coming to Dubai, but first I must recover the gold I left here last time I was in Accra. The gold is worth in excess of $50,000 US at the current rate. Surely you don’t expect me to leave here without it. I will recover the gold, which is concealed in a place known only to me here in Accra but it would be difficult to travel to Dubai with so much gold as it would certainly be discovered by metal detectors at the airport and questions would be asked. I will sell the gold and bring the money with me to Dubai.

 

There is also my life insurance money to collect. My trusted associate in London has been paid 10% for his services, and the remaining US$ 225,000 has been transferred to a secret bank account in Dubai. Obviously I cannot use my real name or withdraw the money myself because I am supposed to be dead. If I tried to get the money from the bank I would probably be arrested and the money confiscated by the authorities. I will need your assistance to help me get the insurance money. My London contact used your name and a copy of the picture you sent me to establish the account in Dubai, so I need you to go to the bank and get the money. The only further information you will need is the account number, and I will give it to you once I am sure I can trust you.

 

Should you agree to assist me in this matter you will receive 20% of the insurance money (US$ 45,000), and 10% of the profits from the sale of the gold (US$10,000). Added to the money from the original consignment which is also waiting for us in Dubai it amounts to quite a tidy sum for both of us. But first you need to get rid of that diplomat Freddy Taylor. He must not know about the gold or the insurance money. He is no longer needed and it would certainly make me feel better if he left Dubai before I get there. Once I am sure he is not in Dubai I will give you the bank account number for the insurance money.

 

Regards as always,

Rev. Bondi Cigars

 

 

 

[Well, Bondi Cigars is waving a lot of money in front of Mary. It’s almost like a reversal of the original scam. The padre is asking her to help him secure a large amount of imaginary money. But is she dumb enough to go for it? Let’s find out…..]

 

 

 

From: marykolams@yahoo.com

To: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

Sent: 25-11-06

Subject: send your travel schedule

 

Attn: Reverend Bondi

 

Sir, i must know when ypu will arrive in Dubai. Provide me with your flight and hotel detail. You are reminded that we need to move quickly on the consignment as it accumulate extra demurrage charge of US$300.00 every day we delay.Be rest assure Mr Fred Taylor is no longer in Dubai so you can pass to me the account number in all safety. Mr taylor is a very busy man and he have had to leave on international business matter.

 

Sister Mary Kolams

 

 

 

[Hmm. That last email looks like it was probably written by Freddy or someone else a little higher up the food chain pretending to be Mary. It just doesn’t come across as her style. She’s probably been punted to the sidelines while Freddy susses out whether he can salvage anything from the wreck or just drop the whole thing. Makes no difference to Bondi Cigars. They’re all scammers and they’re all going to be disappointed.]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 26-11-06
Subject: Change of plans…

Attn: Sister Mary Kolams,
 

I would be extremely happy if, as you say, Freddy Taylor has left Dubai. But are you sure? Have you checked everywhere? If he is a shonk, then he’s probably just trying to make us think he left, but is really still hanging around waiting to cause trouble. And don’t forget, that ratbag Rupert Felcher, who tried to tell you I was dead, may show up in Dubai at some point. I may have to kill him. We certainly don’t need these complications, but above all we must not allow the success of our business to be jeopardized by outside interference.

Anyway, I guess I’ll have to trust you on this. I have checked the account using the Bank’s on-line facility and the money is all there. I have downloaded and attached a copy of the account balance that shows this. The account details are:

Bank: Royal Bank of Canada (Dubai)
Address: API World Tower, 10th Floor, Sheikh Zayed Road, Dubai
Account Name: Ms Mary Kolams
Account Number: 6665124489
Available Funds: US$ 225,000.00

Remember now, I cannot access this money because I am supposed to be dead. You are the only person who can get the money. All you need to do is go into the bank with some sort of ID, ask for Mr Mojo Risin who is your service officer for this account, and withdraw the money. He already has a picture of you. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that we are talking about a large sum of money. Be very careful. Take your uncle with you for extra protection, and when you have the money return immediately to your hotel. Make sure either you or your uncle stays with the money at all times until I arrive in Dubai. Contact me immediately if there are any problems or you require more information.

Regards
Father Bondi.

 

[The attached paperwork. A very dodgy online account balance from RBC. Severely doctored with the appropriate info. If she manages to get in touch with Mr Mojo Risin she’ll be the first to have done so since he vanished all those years ago !!!]

 

 

 

[Of course, if she tries to withdraw any money from that bank she may run into trouble with the local authorities. Which is what I’m hoping for. At the very least they’ll think she’s a complete idiot. And she’ll be very pissed off with Father Bondi. At least Freddy will be. He’s the one in Dubai and it will be him making a play for the cash if anyone does. He’ll have to find a woman to play the role of Mary though, being as how the “account” is in her name.]

 

 

 

 

 

[Waiting.......waiting.......]

 

 

 

 

 

<CRICKETS>

 

 

 

 

 

<CRICKETS>

 

 

 

 

 

<CRICKETS>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[We’re well into December now and there’s still no word from Mary or Freddy. (Nothing from Mr Mojo Risin either, but then what did you expect?) Got a feeling the gang wasn’t too happy with my last email or the phoney bank account. Actually, they probably weren’t overly impressed with my last dozen or so emails. But hey, shit happens, eh lads? I’ll bet Freddy ripped Mary a new one for getting him mixed up with the likes of Bondi Cigars in the first place. I believe Father Bondi should send them one last email. Just in case they’re still in any doubt about his sincerity. And also to let them know what they’ve missed out on…..]

 

 

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: marykolams@yahoo.com
Sent: 12-12-06
Subject: …..

 

Hello Mary,

 

This is ex-Reverend Bondi Cigars. I am living in Monte Carlo now. I have finished with the church once and for all. I never did have much of a memory for all that scripture. Besides, it wouldn't look good for a preacher to be flaunting as much personal wealth as I have now. Speaking of which, I'm guessing you didn't have any luck with the insurance money. Not sure what happened to you but when I eventually arrived in Dubai I had to find someone else who looked like you, and then pay her 15% to go pick up the money for me. Still left me a tidy sum, and what with that plus the proceeds from the gold sale.....well, let's just say I'm doing OK. To tell the truth, I also had a run of extrordinarily good luck in the casino here. Starting with just the gold and insurance money, I managed to turn that into a cool $10 Million in less than a week. I guess the real tragedy, for you anyway, is that you could have been here enjoying it with me. If only you had trusted me and followed my instructions. I suppose you missed out on the original consignment too. When I went to the security company in Dubai they didn't know anything about it, which left me in no doubt that your slimy friend Freddy Taylor must have stolen it and pissed off to South America. You can't say I didn't warn you. I never trusted him myself, but it looks like you're the big loser in all this. If I was still preaching I might have some words of encouragement to share with you, but that's all in the past now. Anyway, you know the old saying "a picture's worth a thousand words"? Well here's a couple of thousand for you. Hope you like them.

 

Regards as always,

Ex-Reverend Bondi Cigars

 

[Bondi Cigars near the casino in Monte Carlo with some friends.....]

 

[And at the pool.....]

 

 

[And here's a little something for Freddy Taylor, just so he don't feel totally left out in the cold. In keeping with the modality, one of Bon Scott's last great anthems, A Touch Too Much, transposed into Ladspeak for the occasion.....]

 

From: rev_bondi_cigars@fastmail.fm

To: fredrik_taylor@ureach.com
Sent: 12-12-06
Subject: The Gospel According to Bon…..

Attn: Mr Freddy Taylor:

    IT BI WON O DEM NAIT WEN U TURN OUT DI LAITS NA EFRITIN COME INTO VIEW
    E BI TAKIN AM TAIM, I BI LOSIN MAI BELLE, DERE BI NATIN DAT E WOULDN´T DO
    I WONT DI FES, WONT DI LAS, E KNEW WI BI MAKIN LOVE
    I BI SO SATISFIED DEEP DOWN INSIDE LAIK DI HAND FOR DI VELVET GLOVE
    SEEM LAIK DI TOUCH, DI TOUCH TOO MUCH. SEEMS LAIK DI TOUCH, DI TOUCH TOO MUCH
    TOO MUCH FO MAI BODI, TOO MUCH FO MAI BRAIN, DIS DAMN ‘OMAN GONNA DRAIV MI AROMENTAL
    SHE GOT DI TOUCH, DI TOUCH TOO MUCH. 
    E HAD DI FACE OF AN ANGEL SMILIN WIT SIN, DI BODI O VENUS WIT ARMS
    DEALIN´ WIT DANGER, STROKIN´ MAI KANDA LAIK DI THUNDER NA LIGHTENIN STORM
    IT WONT DI FES ,WONT DI LAS IT WASN´T DAT E DIDN´T CARE
    E WANT IT HARD, WANT IT FAST, E LIKE IT DONE MEDIUM RARE
    SEEM LAIK DI TOUCH, DI TOUCH TOO MUCH, SEEM LAIK DI TOUCH ,DI TOUCH TOO MUCH
    TOO MUCH FO MAI BODI, TOO MUCH FO MAI BRAIN, DIS DAMN ‘OMAN GONNA DRAIV MI AROMENTAL
    E DON DI TOUCH, DI TOUCH TOO MUCH.
    TOUCH MI OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Adios Brother

Reverend Bondi Cigars

 

[Actually, ex-father Bondi doesn't hear from Mary or Freddy again, but he thinks they've got the picture, so to speak. They're probably cursing him to hell for wasting their time and messing with their heads. Serves them right I say. Not to worry, an associate of ex-father Bondi's, Dr Rudolph Anthrax, is already in the early stages of establishing the bonds of trust with Mary. She hasn't learnt anything from her last mistake. Dr Anthrax will be playing it fairly straight since Mary's been burned already, but she still stands to waste a significant amount of time on the exchange. And imagine her anguish when she eventually realises she's been done over again.]

 

 

And meanwhile.....

 

Father Bondi’s abandoned church may have all the atmosphere of a derelict spaceship and be desperately in need of renovation, but you never know WHO might drop in to make a donation, partake of a sermon or just say hello. Sister Mary Kolams and her soapy boss Freddy Taylor have now been shown that there is a definite downside to being a 419 scammer, and Bondi Cigars and some of his friends have got a warning for all the other scammers out there…….

 

 

 

 

Quote: “Father Bondi, I have seen the light.”  [Sister Mary Kolams]

 

Quote: "For now we see as through a glass, darkly, and later.......whatever...nevermind..." [Reverend Bondi Cigars]

 

Quote: "FUCK YOU REVEREND CIGAR OOOOOOOOOOOO" [Freddy Taylor]